Silent retreat - part 1: Why?
Why a silent retreat?
Short answer:
It just feels like the right thing to do. Break patterns. Reset a baseline for external stimuli.
Long answer:
My family and I have recently realised how I have been more prone to distractions. My attention span and tolerance for breaks have been shrinking with time. I take up the phone, refresh a few pages and look at a couple of inboxes more often than I would like.
Being a first-time entrepreneur made a significant impact.
I always felt under the pressure of the "carpe diem" mentality, which is something I love in bursts but not as a chronic state. Time is scarce; you want to do the best for the people around you, and you could always squeeze in a bit more productivity. Plus, what if the mail you were waiting for suddenly drops in your inbox? Did you check it? Or, if it just came in your inbox, let's answer it directly! This habit became somewhat engrained without any particular conscious choice on my side. I could see how my brain sends me signals to context-switch and seek novelty whenever I am close to or in front of one of the electronic tools I use at work. There were months when I could not recall the last time I worked on a single task without interruptions for more than 1 hour.
Remote meetings just made it even harder. It is a powerful tool to cover distances and connect. However, this connection happens on devices too tightly coupled to a "to-do" list.
Long term, I could envision a direction in my life filled with slow productivity. Another stable equilibrium that favours long streaks of focus, digesting knowledge, engaging meaningfully with technology and building relationships (more on that in another post).
Another significant tectonic shift has been parenthood. Adding one important relationship to my life profoundly affected my lifestyle and priorities.
There is much more life and joy around me, together with more responsibility and harder prioritisation. I love my daughter and partner more than I think I could love anyone, and I want to bring my best self to the table. My best self is a version of me that is in touch with my being human, connected at the moment, and has a direction to move towards. I realised that "Alone time" and reflections matter and allow me to be present in each moment.
The question is, how do I balance my personal needs, together with my family needs and entrepreneurial needs? Who is my new self? What does my core voice tell me at the moment? Answering these questions while running on several fronts is pretty hard.
You might see the pattern here: I feel that the habits that helped me support people and live an examined life are hindering me from continuing to rediscover myself.
In other words, it feels like I have built some brain decision-loops that might have been useful some years ago but are no longer. And, for that, they should be thanked and let go.
That's when silence comes into the picture. There is nothing more intense than the absence of inputs. A perfect chance to break the "novelty trigger cascade" and explore the depth of the mundane and my feelings.
The question is, how could you do it while still working in an entrepreneurial environment? And what about family life?
That would be something for the next reflection.